Chapter Two: Day Two

I’m not going into work today. I can’t face it. Another cross in the sickness book, another conversation about responsibility-like I give a fuck! I can see it now. ‘Oh you’re a Team Leader; you need to set a standard for the others.’ Erm… yeah, it’s difficult to do that when you’re sitting in the corner crying like a baby. Still trying to figure out what’s going on and the limbo is killing me. She says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship while she’s training to be in the police. Tells me the horror stories of couples splitting up in the middle of it, or afterwards, the constant feeling that she could come home dead. Hell, I’ve been thinking that for the last two years anyway.

Often she would come home, gleefully, telling me about how a rapist or murderer or drug dealer almost had her against a wall. Exciting! What do you think? I soon became desensitised to it, as she would tell me stories of sitting on people, holding their arms down and stopping them from attacking her. Stories of people with concealed knives, of only just being able to shut the door as a maniac lunges at her. What did she expect me to say? ‘Oh that’s nice dear!’ Naturally, I was shocked by these stories. They filled me with utter horror that next time she wouldn’t be in time and every time the paper runs a story on a dead policeperson my gut wrenches at the simple thought that this could be her. I could be reading about her one day and to be honest the way she is, I wouldn’t be surprised.

But it seems she had to make a choice: Me or her Career. And her Career won. Gold medal to the career. I needed to get out of the house.

It’s funny how being alone in a café is so different to being with someone. You begin to notice the sights, sounds-The Space! A cup of tea and a doughnut, but it didn’t help. I kept going over it in my head looking at my phone hoping to see the text: ‘It was just a joke!’ No text. I’d already done the inevitable and texted everyone on my phone. No replies yet. Typical! If it was a simple question like ‘Should I buy the new Seinfeld boxset?’ I’d get several replies almost instantly, but when it’s something important, there’s nothing.

I stirred my cup again looking over at the Brie Paninis that she would have eaten. I’d never again have to sit through her eating something like that, feeling sick to my stomach at the very thought. Approaching the counter, I ordered a Vanilla Slice. I needed the sugar, I needed something that told me I was still alive and only a sick feeling in my stomach could do that.

‘Good News Everyone!’ My phone sounded. I quickly snapped it open and looked.

‘Are you looking for a new phone? Try our new range…’

Typical!

I proceeded to make a mess of myself as I ate the slice, maybe this was it? Maybe it was the way I ate food? My phone sounded again. It was my sister Carol.

‘Seriously. Oh God! I’m sorry. Hope you’re ok. Call if you need anything!’

I hovered over the Call button and then pressed. The conversation that proceeded was possibly the most heart breaking I’ve ever had, I think she was more upset than I was. It was then that it finally sunk in what had happened. Not only had Linda dumped me, she’d also dumped my whole family which (in absence of her own) was probably as close to a family as she’d get. My heart sank at that thought. I hoped this wouldn’t turn bitter, I hoped that I could make everyone understand… but until I understood it was doubtful that that would ever happen.

Walking back was hard. Each step filled me with utter dread. Why? What did I do? What didn’t I do? I turned the key in the door, the bedroom door was closed, but I could hear her inside on the phone. I catch a few words (or maybe I imagine it) ‘inevitable’, ‘all for the best’, ‘had to happen’. I sit and turn on the TV. Numb, numb to it all.

Finishing her call, she came in to tell me she’d be leaving in a few days. That was quick. She starts to tell me the Whys? But I stopped listening. Maybe I should have argued, protested, cried, tried to win her back. No, there was no point? There was ‘nothing’ I could do remember? She finished and went back to the bedroom as I turned back to the TV.

Empty.

Dead.